Well, I figured it's been a while since i've updated and the last time I did I had a breakdown or something and removed it so in short...|
1 - Came out to straight friends... some of them... it's been weird but whatever I'm trying to fix what I fucked up back in November when I just stopped talking to them.
2 - Steve (for those of ya who don't know the stituation don't worry about it not gonna explain it all) got out of jail. Shocked the shit out of me last week, went from being as hapy as i've been to maybe worse than i was last year in the matter of a day... He's not better. Talked to him, and now he's gone... not sure where he went but I've stressed out about it long enough, if I get the chance to say what I want again I will. If I get the chance to see him I'm going to... maybe that's the stupidest choice I've made in a while but I know that I'm going to do it and denying it or thinking about it is driving me crazy-er... I'm just trying to keep it off my mind untill it becomes an issue that can be delt with... right now there's nothing I can do so I'm trying to focus on the things and people that should matter.
3 - I miss idiot #2 :-( and not seeing him in a while has tainted one tree hill :-/
4 - The one good thing I've been doing for myslef is slowly becoming a little bit of an issue actually. I've really been watching what I eat and as of late it's become kind of a problem... Not that I'm starving myself but paying WAY too much attention to it really. Since about december of last year I've lost 30 pounds... which I'm really happy about but I still want to drop another 40 or 50 and it's becoming stressful. The weight that I did drop had alot to do with stress, and drugs... neither of which are going to help me in the long run so now it's just alot more of a pain in the ass. I've been taking diet pills and I'm not even sure how much they actually help... I might just be throwing my money away with them? I dunno...
So that's been my fucked up OC story line life in a nut shell. I'm off to go see When A Stranger Calls, and I slept two hours last night so yeah we'll see how well I last!
Current Music: Bethany Joy Galeotti - Halo
Well I haven't updated updated in a while besides my AIM and OTH stuff so I thought I'd write for those who care :-p|
#1 - Men suck
I don't think there's anything better than the feeling of waking up next to someone... Maybe that's just because I've never really done it, well I have but not the feeling of just waking up and not because you had sex and were out of it and crashed lol... The worst feeling though is feeling like a slut (male slut? I dunno) later that day.
I've been hanging out with a guy for the past few weeks who I met on here. The end of that sentance seems to be a problem, but whatever that's another issue. Anyway, we got along alright, and slowly started talking more and whatever and also messed around a few times. That doesn't really bother me, but he has a boyfriend, which I didn't really consider being an issue untill a while later. Maybe I'm just weird but I guess I've been feeling a little too close with him? Not THAT serious, but like it's getting there... and I really don't want to put myself in another bad situation. I guess him and his boyfriend, who just moved in together, are fighting alot as of late, so things are not looking good... but that's not something I should be looking foward to, if they break up. I've never met the boyfriend untill last night and can we say asshole? He walked in while we were watching TV (there were 3 of us it's not like we were doing anything weird) and he asked for help bringing stuff in, I wasn't going to help but I decided to and as they walked down the hall and I was putting my shoes on I heard "I want that guy out of my house." Ummm hello asshole at least make sure the door is closed or you're far enough away... it's not like he even knew who I was.
I guess I can't be mad because maybe he knew of who I was... or had an idea of it, if that makes sense? So, part of me wanted to be "i've had more sex with your boyfriend in the last few weeks than you have in the last month" BUT that was just the little slut-ish part of me :-x I guess I kind of feel bad for the guy. Not the best first impression though, and most likley last.
We're supposed to go to a concert next month, and now I'm debating just giving him my ticket to give to someone else, I'm pretty sure his boyfriend is going with and I think it would just be weird. Even if he removes the stick from his ass, I think I'd still feel akward, I thought they were in an open relationship, WHICH is bull shit if you ask me but anyway, I'm not sure that they are which makes me feel eh.
Everyone download this song because I love it and it reminds me of all this shiznit... http://rapidshare.de/files/11745145/I_m_Leaving.mp3.html
EEER Well I need to go with my mom to the store, more of an update later but that's the biggish part... well it really isn't but that's my latest stupid move :-p
Current Music: Beyonce - I'm Leaving
Jan. 21st, 2006 @ 01:10 am
I neeeed to talk, someone IM me on AIM, Wil2bm :-(|
I just wanted to thank everyone who replied to my last entry and or IMed me about it. Sorry I didn't reply, I do appreciate it though. |
I'm trying to listen to people and "get over it" but it's alot easier said than done I guess.
I was supposed to go see my psychologist today and finally tell him about everything, but after a night of no sleep, and a baad dream about all of this i slept through my alarm by mistake.
Now I have to go to work and I just feel like dying.... but no I have to deal with bitchy people for the next 8 hours and try to pretend I'm happy and thrilled to be there.... I don't know that I'll make it the whole shift.
Current Music: Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending (Acoustic)
I'm not sure if this entry will even be here by the morning but for some reason I am actually feeling alright and the weird thing is it took an shlee Simpson to make it click. Although none of it would be possible without Logan, I appreciate what you had to say more than you know and I'm not even joking when i say that.
For some reason i finally seem to have some clear thoughts about my whole situation, and after these last 3 days which I can't even begin to describe, it feels really good.
I think a big part of me is embaressed/guilty/pissed/frustrated that I let things get like this but I just thought about it and we ALL make mistakes.
As much as I'd like to think he was the one for me I know in the back of my mind that's what he was, a horrible mistake.
I won't say I don't have feeling for him or that I don't care about where he ends up but there's nothing I can do for him now. He has done nothing for me as much as I'd like to think he has, and as much as I don't want to I do hate him in a way for what he's done to me.
The feeling I have is still impossible to describe, I do feel everything that i've said I've felt the last few days but on top of all of that I know it's okay that I feel that way. We all go through phases in our lives and this was just a year of fuck ups, but what can I do about it?
I'm not sure that I plan on cutting him off completly, I'm pretty much leaving that up to him. I wrote a letter last night which was a horrible mistake and sent it to him along with my phone number and told him some of what was on my mind. It's going to hurt really bad if he doesn't call, but at the same time nothing can come of it if he does. If he wants me there for "support" then I will have to decide where to go from there, I really doubt that's going to happen. I'm not sure what will happen in the next few days, but for once I finally feel like I can accept the past, know that it did hurt me but there's nothing i can do about it.
While writting this I went from having Ashlee Simpson in my head to Papa Roach, and I thank god for music because it's done alot for me, for the better and worse.
I hope that made some sort of sense, I just felt the need to write this and if I wake up tommorow crying over this whole thing, maybe reading this will help me get through it.
I can't help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried...
I'm sorry but i gotta move on with my own life.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
Yeah I deleted this in the morning but decided to repost it... Guess I don't feel this way afterall?
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I'm not sure if I should even write in here but right now but at this point I don't know what else to do.|
For those of you who don't know or haven't read or whatever in short this is what I've been doing the last year or so.
- Not moving towards a future
- Getting involved in drugs because of a guy. (Not 420 stuff either, meth, x, g, and others.)
- Making myself a complete mess
- Falling for someone who is no good for me.
I don't think I've ever really put the last part that way but the more I think about it the more it's the truth, I don't think I've ever really liked anyone that much or in that way. I mean yeah I've liked guys but there's a different connection, at least for me there was.
Anyway, he went missing for a while, and as it turns out he ended up in jail which I just found out yesterday. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my entire life and I don't even know why I felt that bad or why I do right now. These are the random thoughts that I cannot get out of my head.
- Him sitting in a cell doing nothing and having no one to talk to. He isn't a saint obviously, but there are alot worse people out there who should be where he is and they are still running around.
- The fact that the first person I ever really liked is someone I watched get addicted to a drug and end up selling it when he had no other way out or to make money.
- I can't get this off my mind no matter what I do and the odds are he hasn't thought about me once in there, maybe that's selfish but I'm sure anyone reading this would feel the same way.
- When/if he gets better all I am going to be to him is someone who was part of the problem, if I were him I know I sure as hell wouldn't want anything to do with me after I got out.
- I gave him head a few times which meant nothing to him and has left me feeling horribly used. Not to mention the fact that I started doing it because I thought if I didn't he'd be pissed off at me.
I have no idea what to do to get out of this and I'm soooo sick of thinking about it and caring that much. I have this horrible feeling of guilt/anger/confusion/sad/dsl;kfjdsl;kjdsl and it's too much to handle. I'm sick of hearing or me telling myself that I need to move on because I know I need to but right now I just can't get anything together I just feel broken and like there's nothing I can do. I don't think anyone really gets how bad it hurts and i'm not trying to throw a pity party I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't even understand why I feel this way. All I know is I'm not ready to go out and pretend to be happy or at least okay when i feel dead inside.
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Okay why can't I figure out how to post an entry in a community :-(|
Annnnyway long time no update I'm sure ya'll have missed me or something...
Anyway, I've been alrightish I guess? Well not really but I've kept myself out of stupid shit... untill yesterday.
So after all this drug stuff and what not I decided I wanted to loose weight and I swear I have like no metabolism or something? Anyway I decided to get some pills and I guess I took too many Tuesday night and I swear yesterday I thought I was going to fucking die. I couldn't eat a damn thing, or drink ANYTHING without throwing it back up. It was NOT cool at all, I still feel like shit but at least I can sit up without the feeling of needing to pass out. I was planning on doing alot yesterday too, alot of "moving on" type stuff but yeah kinda hard to move on when I couldn't even move out of bed without wanting to die.
I'll update more-ish later if I feel up to it, I gotta go lay down again and hopefully be alright for work tonight... we'll see.
|» Stolen from some Ho :p|
I am bored and this was cute (?) |
Real update latta...
tomhxprt's Halloween party:
_jaded dressed as the Slick Power Ranger.
ambitious_libra dressed as the Cardinal of Synretrooft.
astrocamel dressed as a buoyancy.
bevgb dressed as the spirit of their dead grandmother Shannon.
dead_x_end didn't dress up, spoilsport.
itsbexbaby dressed as a pollen, and it suited them disturbingly well.
jeje035 dressed as someone called "Edna Strader", but you've never heard of them before.
lowg dressed as a character from Harry Potter and the Princess of Holland.
martian723 dressed as a moose.
nancy2004 dressed as a interrim dead chicken waver.
ohhvintage dressed as a second baseman for the Mariners, though it looked more like Halle Berry.
oldwhoresdiet dressed as a bottle of Eqthone.
overnightceleb dressed as Julia Roberts's aunt.
passthatversace dressed as Paris Hilton.
princesstrixie dressed as a moral breakfast.
sexidance dressed as Calvin Coolidge.
stardust0421 dressed as a Amiga Guru Meditation Error.
stizznatic dressed as a new superhero: Silent Atom.
thesicktruth dressed as the love child of Mel Gibson and Meg Ryan.
wdnesday dressed as a Misik-Traugott Ambulance Chasers employee.
x_everlonely_x dressed as a character from "Roman Holiday".
Throw your own party at the Hallomeme!
Created with phpNonsense
|» Whurr in the world is SexiDance???|
For those of you wondering where Chris is I thought I'd update you! She has a pinched nerve and has not been able to get out of bed for the past few days! :-(|
I just thought I'd let you know, she hopes to get back on tommorow but untill then please pray for her :-(
P.S. - Because Of You rocks. The end.
Edit: I've uploaded a Zip for you all, "Because Of You Is The Shit!"
The Album version
Connect Sets Acoustic Version
Live On Oprah
Live On The Hazel Eyes Tour
DOWNLOAD IT AND LOVE IT :-(
UGH I CAN'T SLEEP so i came back on here and saw this...|
Chad Michael Murray, Sophia Bush Split
THEY WERE SOOO CUTE TOGETHER! Allie and I were talkin a few days ago about how they'll end up breaking up but 5 months?!?
Okay anyway no one cares (cept allie) so i'll stfu and cry alone about it...
Hmmmm nothing else to talk about! Today is going to SUCK i haven't slept and i've got shit to do PLUS I work from 3-11 8 HOURS OF HELL I TELL YOU :-(
I don't think I'll make it I might leave early for the first time um, ever.
Time to try and sleep, again, I guess...